Selflessness versus selfishness

Everyone, to some extent, has fought with the big question. Why are we here? What is our purpose for being here? No matter your beliefs; creationism, evolution. There has to be some reason we exist. I have always known my purpose. Whichever way I came to be, I was given a heart unlike any other. I am here to love. I am here to give. I will give and give until I have nothing left. And even then I will keep giving. Until I am depleted. I will always put others above myself. Other’s needs will always be more important than my own. I live to make others happy, no matter the expense. I have only recently discovered that this self-deemed purpose has it’s dark side. A blessing and a curse, if you will. You can learn so much about others, and yourself, when you have a heart of such a caliber.

You learn who your true friends are. The first thing I came to realize was that some people are only in your lives when it is convenient for them. You are there for them at their darkest. Every tear, every breakdown, every angry scream. But the moment they find themselves in a better place, they become a phantom. You let them live their lives while you continue to stay on the back burner. On reserve. When you begin to feel the sting in your eyes, and that angry scream climbing up, you find yourself alone. No one to wipe the tears from your cheeks. No one to encourage the scream that’s been trapped inside you. No one to pick you up after you fall.

Love hurts. It makes you crazy. Be it love for a significant other, a friend or family. You lie a lot on the line when you live in such a way. You are willing to do so because that is the type of person you are. It almost becomes easy. Easy to fall in love with someone. Easy to risk everything. Easy to give so much of yourself to another. And if it is that easy, does it make loss more difficult? Struggle more real? Absolutely.

To love so deeply is a blessing and a curse. I say that again because I feel that there is nothing but truth behind it. In my experience, anyway. With a heart so intense, I feel everything. The good and the bad. I open myself up to every amount of energy that one person can possibly carry. Your laughter is my laughter. Your pain is my pain. I think the pain is always the hardest the handle. Especially pain belonging to another. And even more when it is someone near and dear to your heart.

Selfishness versus selflessness. Two very different characteristics, yet they are, in my eyes, one in the same. Like light and dark, you can’t have one without the other. I would describe myself as a selfless person. Putting others before myself is what I do. But have there been times where selfishness has come into play? No doubt about it. That I will never deny. It has gotten me in trouble on many occasions. I am curious, though. Can selflessness lead to selfishness? If so, is it warranted? Maybe it depends on the situation, I suppose. My curiosity stems from certain situations currently at play in my life. Nine months ago, my life changed drastically. On October 1, 2014, my daughter was born. The best day of my life. I discovered a love that I never knew existed. On that same day, however, I also discovered a level of fear that I had never experienced. October 1, 2014, my mother was diagnosed with stage four breast cancer. I looked at my daughter. Looked at my mom. I was unable to find an emotion to fit that moment. As I have watched my daughter grow, I have watched my mom fall. I have been the caretaker to both for the better part of a year. I have been the glue that has held my family together. My daughter, the same. There was never a question as to what to do. I just did. My life was mine no more. And I didn’t blink an eye. I just got to work. The duties of being a mom were at the top of my list. I went without showers, without sleep. Hell, I practically starved myself. Driving upwards of 100 miles every day, appointment after appointment after appointment. Cooking, cleaning. And I didn’t flinch. At first. I had just moved in to my first apartment after my relationship ended with the father of my child. I started to feel lonely. Stuck in a place with no friends. Nothing to do. Many late nights crying in the bathroom. Drinking myself to sleep. Long story short, I became so lost and overwhelmed that I had completely lost control of my life. Dishes were piling up. Bills stopped getting paid. I had moved my daughter and I out into the living room because I didn’t feel as closed in. Life caught up to me. Creditors found me and started to garnish my wages. I found myself stuck with two options. Face eviction or break my lease and bounce. I managed To pull my shit together enough to make an arrangement that wouldn’t totally screw me. But in the end, I still lost my apartment. I was forced to move my daughter and myself back into my childhood home. With my parents. Back into the room I grew up in. A fresh start turned into a bitter end.

Here I am. 29 years old. Living with my folks. With my 9 month daughter. Living out of a storage unit and duffle bags. A mother. A caretaker. A daughter. I love each role more than I could ever put in to words. But recently I have began to wonder if self should be in there somewhere. I have reached a level of exhaustion I never thought possible. Watching my mother struggle through this journey, I feel so selfish for every thought I have that isn’t about her. All I want to do is take away her pain. To flip a switch and all of this would be over. I hate seeing her so fragile. I feel like I have no right to complain about anything in my life. Yet, I lie here, on the verge of tears, riddled with shit that seems so ridiculous in comparison. Is it wrong to feel so tired? To feel like a pot on the back burner? To feel guilty? To feel like I don’t want to do this anymore? To even write these words makes me feel a little nauseated. I’m tired of appointments. Tired of driving. Tired of cooking and cleaning. Just tired…

So yes, I may be a little selfish. But the thing about me; with the heart I have; I can still be grateful. Despite every negative thought, I still see the positive. I have my family under one roof. Amazing parents that had no hesitation in taking me in. The most beautiful daughter. By moving back home I have been able to reconnect with myself. With my roots. I am, no doubt, finally home. No matter what this life has in store, I’m ready for it. I’m ready for happiness. I’m ready for adventure. I’m ready for love.

I’m ready.


Quiet brings thought

To a restless mind

Of things once sought

Fleeting images

Of a life once known

Misguided emotions

With each memory shown

A Peaceful day

A guilt stricken night

An incessant lack of hold

On things once in sight

A craving for normality

The constant thought of flight

A sudden spark of sanity

Brings the insatiable need to fight

A soul begins to mend

A head now held high

An unparalleled realization

The limit is no longer the sky

Bottoms Up


At this moment, I am begging for a fairytale. Pleading with desperation. I have recently discovered, or rediscovered, the black sheep of the family. Or would it be the white sheep? I suppose it could go either way. Especially considering the situation. White sheep, black sheep…I am now holding on to something that is going to create chaos of cosmic proportion. Something that is physically making me sick. My body is literally falling apart. My mind has become so overrun that I have, once again, become acquainted with anxiety attacks and complete mania. I am absolutely out of my mind. To continue to hold on to something so toxic will only feed the sickness within. Yet to speak it aloud will inevitably bring everything I know crashing to the ground. I have come face to face with abandonment on several occasions throughout my short life. Abandonment, betrayal, death. It all speaks the same language. It all leaves the same sour taste in my mouth. The level of toxicity here has an end result that doesn’t even come close to half of that crap. I’ve never tasted sour quite like this. And it hasn’t even begun. I have never felt so lost. So confused. So sick. This time, I truly do not have a solution.

She is tossed by the waves, but does not sink

I love this so much that I have it tattooed on my right forearm. Forever on my body. The funny thing is that I see this every day. For the last three years. Yet today was the first day I actually saw it. I think I felt it today More than the day I sat under that needle. There was no specific event that led to the day being what it was. Just one of those days, I suppose. But it happens to be my birthday. So imagine my disappointment when it wasn’t what I was hoping for. What was I hoping for? Your guess is as good as mine. The older I get, the more I realize that, all and all, it truly is Just another day. Yet here I am, lying in bed, feeling slightly Disappointed. Hell, there is no slightly about it. I actually feel depressed. And With everything else life has put in front of me recently, I can also safely say depleted. Defeated even. For one, this is The first birthday I have spent alone in years. My first birthday With no partner to celebrate With. One thing I have come to realize that I took for granted. I spent The day With family, which was amazing. I prepared a pork roast that would blow your mind! I had a new cocktail that My mother had to show off. And now I am resting My head. The most beautiful baby girl on my left, and My favorite little Chihuahua on My right. Couldn’t ask for much more of a satisfying birthday. So why do my shoulders feel so heavy? Why do my eyes burn from fighting back tears? Because I am depleted. No other way of putting it. Why I am choosing to bare my soul here, I am not sure. Maybe Because I don’t have an audience. Whatever it may be, I can’t seem to control it. Tonight, I need an outlet. And I choose you.

I am so tired, that it burns to close my eyes. Being stuck open, my vision is blurry. I am barely capable of any thought process. I can physically no longer move. My legs can no longer carry me. I am exhausted. And my mind isn’t in any better shape. At this moment, my daughter and I are staying with my best friend and her husband. After losing my apartment, they were amazing enough to open their home to us, no questions asked. We will be here another two weeks, give our take, then will be moving on to my parent’s house where they are graciously opening their hearts. My whole life, my daughter’s life, resides in three locations. The guest bedroom at my friends, my mom’s garage, and a ridiculously priced storage unit. I know where nothing is. We are living out of boxes and duffle bags and it makes me feel like a piece of you know what. I have no place to call my own. No place to run to when The chaos becomes too much. No escape from The real world. I found myself in multiple moments today where I had to fight off an anxiety attack. Heavy breathing, sweaty palms, dry mouth. I would allow myself to get stuck in my head. Nervously going over every detail of my life as it stands now. I would get overwhelmed and start to panic. The start of a new year, and I have no home. Already struggling with balance. With where I fit in in this world. I hate it. I hate this feeling. All the feelings. All of it. I am trying to be patient. To let the universe work its magic. But damn it, I’m a Taurus. I don’t work that way. I am attempting to change that trait. Not working out too well so far, but I’m not ready to give up. Hence The reason I brought up my tattoo. I saw that today, and knew that that was The reason I put it on my body. For today. The waves are getting higher and higher and I feel like I am drowning. I just can’t seem to catch my breath. I am getting So tired, treading water is becoming difficult. I just keep repeating to myself “she does not sink.” Over and over. She does not sink. She does not sink.

She will not sink.

Emotional Inventory: part 1

My mind is pure chaos tonight. So many thoughts, so little space. Unable to fully cope with said chaos, I succumbed to temptation and have filled my body with intoxicants. Empty beer bottles litter my coffee table, while a full one rests in my lap. Half of a joint sits in the ashtray amidst the empty glass. Tonight I made the ultimate decision to not feel. The unfortunate thing about having a mind like mine, is that it never truly shuts down. I can open beer after beer, trying with all my might to sequester myself from emotion, yet as I move from one to the next, it becomes more and more difficult.

A few things plague me tonight, and I can’t seem to stay focused on one emotion long enough to resolve it. I suppose the inebriation doesn’t help. But it has, to some degree, forced me to touch on a few things that I have, up until now, been too afraid to face. I have written about my fears quite a bit recently. Be it here, notes on Facebook or my own personal journal. Failure. Loneliness. Heartbreak. I have written them down. I have spoken about them. Tonight I realized that I have yet to actually do any personal inventory of these vicious feelings. With the help of my favorite beer and some wonderful Southern Oregon herb, tonight I begin the inventory. Tonight I begin my journey. And for some reason I feel empowered to share.

I have decided to start small. Baby steps, as they say. I shall focus on one demon at a time. Tonight I begin with loneliness. I have never been great at being alone. I crave conversation. I crave laughter. I crave the presence of another soul. I feed off of the energy of others. You could be sitting an inch away from me and not say a word and I would be happy. No matter the type of companionship. Friend, sister, parent, lover. When I speak of companionship, however, I don’t mean friend or family. The loneliness that strickens me tonight is the lack of a mate. A confidant. The one that crawls into bed with me at night. The one that holds me when I no longer have the strength to stand. The one that tells me I am beautiful first thing in the morning When I have kinked hair and bad breath. The one that wipes the tears from my cheeks. The one that laughs at my stupid jokes. The ones that skips with me in public. The one that loves the way I love. Crazy. Passionate. Intense. I love my parents. I love my sister. I love my daughter. I love my dog. My life, each and every one. But I want to love to the point where my breath is taken away. And I want to be loved to the point where you are driven crazy. No one will ever love you like I can. It has broken my heart a few times. And I am sure it will happen a few more. But it is beyond worth it. And I cannot wait until I get the privilege to love like that once again.

I am not quite sure how I will approach taking inventory on this matter. This might be the tougher of the bunch. I guess all I can really do is learn to love myself. Be happy in my own skin. Be okay with my flaws. Easier said than done? God, you have no idea. That might have to become a mini series of sorts, haha. My focus for now will be to breathe. Open my eyes. Open my mind. Open my soul. Be my true self. No matter how Crazy, or emotional, or damaged. This is me.

Take it or leave it.

Twenty seconds of insane courage

   I read something tonight that truly touched me. As I only have a few followers, I am sure the author will eventually come across this. But his words were inspiring and his journey  so similar to my own. I suddenly felt the need to get a little gritty.

   I have spent my whole life being scared. Frightened, really. Of change. Disappointment. Rejection. I never asked a boy out because I was afraid he would say no and laugh at me. So why not just avoid that situation all together and not say a word? Can’t be disappointed that way. I wouldn’t argue a grade on a paper even knowing I was well deserving of something better. I would never complain about an order at a restaurant. If there was ever a situation where blame needed to be placed, I would usually take it, having done nothing wrong in the slightest. Anything I could do to avoid confrontation. Even as an adult I am guilty of the having the same fears. Same behavior. The funny thing about all of this, is that I was only that way with myself. When it came to someone else, the table was flipped completely upside down. With caring for my mother for as long as I have, I have dealt with countless doctors, therapists, pharmacies, insurance companies. I had to have a backbone. I had to fight for my mother. For my dad. For my younger sister. I had to be the glue when my mother got sick. And I tell you what, I killed it. But when I got sick, it became something different. I had to dig deep to find my own strength. To learn how to fight for myself. How to stop being so Damn timid.



   The person that I am now at twenty-nine simply astonishes me. I know I will never stop learning, and I pray that I don’t. I have become a force of nature. I am The wind that uproots trees. I am The fire that takes acres in minutes. The waves of the ocean that sends ships to their graves. I am one that you will remember. I saw a movie recently, We Bought a Zoo. I’m sure you have heard of it. There was a line in the movie that took my breath away.

“All it takes is 20 seconds of insane courage and I promise something beautiful will come of it.”

It’s not word for word, but you get the gist. That very moment my whole life changed. What the hell have I been so afraid of? So I get rejected. So my heart gets broken. Isn’t it better to have love and lost than to have never loved at all? I believe so, absolutely. I took that and have started to rebuild my life around it. Have I gotten my heart broken? Like you wouldn’t imagine. Have I been rejected? Damn straight. But I keep my head up and own that sh*t. Broken heart or no, I made some amazing memories. Met people I will never forget. People that helped awaken my soul. And that I cannot be broken hearted over. My soul was drowning. To be rescued is one hell of a feeling.

   Am I were I want to be? Definitely not. But I am okay with that. I can say that I know my purpose in life. Not half bad for my age. I know as long as I continue, I will reach my destination. I will find the one who loves the way I do. I will continue to find courage. I will continue to love myself.  I will continue to live my life. Kind of goes back to a previous post. Have memories, not dreams.

And that is exactly what shall happen.