Everyone, to some extent, has fought with the big question. Why are we here? What is our purpose for being here? No matter your beliefs; creationism, evolution. There has to be some reason we exist. I have always known my purpose. Whichever way I came to be, I was given a heart unlike any other. I am here to love. I am here to give. I will give and give until I have nothing left. And even then I will keep giving. Until I am depleted. I will always put others above myself. Other’s needs will always be more important than my own. I live to make others happy, no matter the expense. I have only recently discovered that this self-deemed purpose has it’s dark side. A blessing and a curse, if you will. You can learn so much about others, and yourself, when you have a heart of such a caliber.
You learn who your true friends are. The first thing I came to realize was that some people are only in your lives when it is convenient for them. You are there for them at their darkest. Every tear, every breakdown, every angry scream. But the moment they find themselves in a better place, they become a phantom. You let them live their lives while you continue to stay on the back burner. On reserve. When you begin to feel the sting in your eyes, and that angry scream climbing up, you find yourself alone. No one to wipe the tears from your cheeks. No one to encourage the scream that’s been trapped inside you. No one to pick you up after you fall.
Love hurts. It makes you crazy. Be it love for a significant other, a friend or family. You lie a lot on the line when you live in such a way. You are willing to do so because that is the type of person you are. It almost becomes easy. Easy to fall in love with someone. Easy to risk everything. Easy to give so much of yourself to another. And if it is that easy, does it make loss more difficult? Struggle more real? Absolutely.
To love so deeply is a blessing and a curse. I say that again because I feel that there is nothing but truth behind it. In my experience, anyway. With a heart so intense, I feel everything. The good and the bad. I open myself up to every amount of energy that one person can possibly carry. Your laughter is my laughter. Your pain is my pain. I think the pain is always the hardest the handle. Especially pain belonging to another. And even more when it is someone near and dear to your heart.
Selfishness versus selflessness. Two very different characteristics, yet they are, in my eyes, one in the same. Like light and dark, you can’t have one without the other. I would describe myself as a selfless person. Putting others before myself is what I do. But have there been times where selfishness has come into play? No doubt about it. That I will never deny. It has gotten me in trouble on many occasions. I am curious, though. Can selflessness lead to selfishness? If so, is it warranted? Maybe it depends on the situation, I suppose. My curiosity stems from certain situations currently at play in my life. Nine months ago, my life changed drastically. On October 1, 2014, my daughter was born. The best day of my life. I discovered a love that I never knew existed. On that same day, however, I also discovered a level of fear that I had never experienced. October 1, 2014, my mother was diagnosed with stage four breast cancer. I looked at my daughter. Looked at my mom. I was unable to find an emotion to fit that moment. As I have watched my daughter grow, I have watched my mom fall. I have been the caretaker to both for the better part of a year. I have been the glue that has held my family together. My daughter, the same. There was never a question as to what to do. I just did. My life was mine no more. And I didn’t blink an eye. I just got to work. The duties of being a mom were at the top of my list. I went without showers, without sleep. Hell, I practically starved myself. Driving upwards of 100 miles every day, appointment after appointment after appointment. Cooking, cleaning. And I didn’t flinch. At first. I had just moved in to my first apartment after my relationship ended with the father of my child. I started to feel lonely. Stuck in a place with no friends. Nothing to do. Many late nights crying in the bathroom. Drinking myself to sleep. Long story short, I became so lost and overwhelmed that I had completely lost control of my life. Dishes were piling up. Bills stopped getting paid. I had moved my daughter and I out into the living room because I didn’t feel as closed in. Life caught up to me. Creditors found me and started to garnish my wages. I found myself stuck with two options. Face eviction or break my lease and bounce. I managed To pull my shit together enough to make an arrangement that wouldn’t totally screw me. But in the end, I still lost my apartment. I was forced to move my daughter and myself back into my childhood home. With my parents. Back into the room I grew up in. A fresh start turned into a bitter end.
Here I am. 29 years old. Living with my folks. With my 9 month daughter. Living out of a storage unit and duffle bags. A mother. A caretaker. A daughter. I love each role more than I could ever put in to words. But recently I have began to wonder if self should be in there somewhere. I have reached a level of exhaustion I never thought possible. Watching my mother struggle through this journey, I feel so selfish for every thought I have that isn’t about her. All I want to do is take away her pain. To flip a switch and all of this would be over. I hate seeing her so fragile. I feel like I have no right to complain about anything in my life. Yet, I lie here, on the verge of tears, riddled with shit that seems so ridiculous in comparison. Is it wrong to feel so tired? To feel like a pot on the back burner? To feel guilty? To feel like I don’t want to do this anymore? To even write these words makes me feel a little nauseated. I’m tired of appointments. Tired of driving. Tired of cooking and cleaning. Just tired…
So yes, I may be a little selfish. But the thing about me; with the heart I have; I can still be grateful. Despite every negative thought, I still see the positive. I have my family under one roof. Amazing parents that had no hesitation in taking me in. The most beautiful daughter. By moving back home I have been able to reconnect with myself. With my roots. I am, no doubt, finally home. No matter what this life has in store, I’m ready for it. I’m ready for happiness. I’m ready for adventure. I’m ready for love.