I love this so much that I have it tattooed on my right forearm. Forever on my body. The funny thing is that I see this every day. For the last three years. Yet today was the first day I actually saw it. I think I felt it today More than the day I sat under that needle. There was no specific event that led to the day being what it was. Just one of those days, I suppose. But it happens to be my birthday. So imagine my disappointment when it wasn’t what I was hoping for. What was I hoping for? Your guess is as good as mine. The older I get, the more I realize that, all and all, it truly is Just another day. Yet here I am, lying in bed, feeling slightly Disappointed. Hell, there is no slightly about it. I actually feel depressed. And With everything else life has put in front of me recently, I can also safely say depleted. Defeated even. For one, this is The first birthday I have spent alone in years. My first birthday With no partner to celebrate With. One thing I have come to realize that I took for granted. I spent The day With family, which was amazing. I prepared a pork roast that would blow your mind! I had a new cocktail that My mother had to show off. And now I am resting My head. The most beautiful baby girl on my left, and My favorite little Chihuahua on My right. Couldn’t ask for much more of a satisfying birthday. So why do my shoulders feel so heavy? Why do my eyes burn from fighting back tears? Because I am depleted. No other way of putting it. Why I am choosing to bare my soul here, I am not sure. Maybe Because I don’t have an audience. Whatever it may be, I can’t seem to control it. Tonight, I need an outlet. And I choose you.
I am so tired, that it burns to close my eyes. Being stuck open, my vision is blurry. I am barely capable of any thought process. I can physically no longer move. My legs can no longer carry me. I am exhausted. And my mind isn’t in any better shape. At this moment, my daughter and I are staying with my best friend and her husband. After losing my apartment, they were amazing enough to open their home to us, no questions asked. We will be here another two weeks, give our take, then will be moving on to my parent’s house where they are graciously opening their hearts. My whole life, my daughter’s life, resides in three locations. The guest bedroom at my friends, my mom’s garage, and a ridiculously priced storage unit. I know where nothing is. We are living out of boxes and duffle bags and it makes me feel like a piece of you know what. I have no place to call my own. No place to run to when The chaos becomes too much. No escape from The real world. I found myself in multiple moments today where I had to fight off an anxiety attack. Heavy breathing, sweaty palms, dry mouth. I would allow myself to get stuck in my head. Nervously going over every detail of my life as it stands now. I would get overwhelmed and start to panic. The start of a new year, and I have no home. Already struggling with balance. With where I fit in in this world. I hate it. I hate this feeling. All the feelings. All of it. I am trying to be patient. To let the universe work its magic. But damn it, I’m a Taurus. I don’t work that way. I am attempting to change that trait. Not working out too well so far, but I’m not ready to give up. Hence The reason I brought up my tattoo. I saw that today, and knew that that was The reason I put it on my body. For today. The waves are getting higher and higher and I feel like I am drowning. I just can’t seem to catch my breath. I am getting So tired, treading water is becoming difficult. I just keep repeating to myself “she does not sink.” Over and over. She does not sink. She does not sink.
She will not sink.